Form 89-D
Notification of Intent to Remain Mildly SubversiveCult of Brighter Days – Metaphysical Compliance DivisionForm Version 3.1 (Revised after the Incident at Gate Seven) Section I: Identification of Subversive Agent Name (Real or Operative): ___________________________ Preferred Alias(es): ___________________________ Date of Awakening (or approximate disillusionment): ___________________________ Current Location (geographic or existential): ___________________________ Lemon/Apple Alignment (check one):[ ] […]
This Week’s Chaos: How a Group Chat Accident Revealed the Truth About Modern Power
On March 11, 2025, the Editor-in-Chief of The Atlantic, Jeffrey Goldberg, found himself in a Signal group chat he very much wasn’t supposed to be in. The chat included U.S. National Security Advisor Michael Waltz, Vice President JD Vance, and Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth. They weren’t organizing a birthday party. They were coordinating military […]
Community Is Not Optional: The Sacred Structure in a Fractured World
Let’s cut the crap: the world is on fire, the algorithms are hungry, and the billionaires are building towers instead of bridges. Meanwhile, we’re out here trying to remember if we fed our sourdough starter or just screamed into the fridge again. And yet—somehow—in this dumpster-fire timeline, one truth is rising like a slightly deranged […]
The Fable of the Hollow Kingdom and the Whispering Apple
(A response to Robert Reich’s “Attack on the American Mind”) Once, in a land once vibrant with stories and songs, there stood a vast and noisy kingdom known as the United Realms of Ehhmerikkah. It was a peculiar place — part circus, part graveyard, part shopping mall. Its buildings leaned like confused drunks, its citizens […]
Welcome to the New America: Now With 50% Less Government!
TL;DR: America, But Make It Chaos Hold on tight. The wheel’s gone, and the car’s still moving. Imagine waking up one morning to find that half your coworkers have mysteriously vanished, the rules of your workplace have changed overnight, and no one is really sure who’s in charge anymore—but somehow, you’re still expected to be […]
The Taking Tree:
An Abiscordian Retelling of The Giving Tree (Now with 30% More Vengeance and Justified Arboreal Wrath!) Once upon a time, nestled in a suspiciously lonely part of the forest (a place that used to be a thriving grove before “progress” came swinging in with an axe), there stood a great, old apple tree. It had […]
A Penny Saved Is a Nickel Burned
Embracing the Crypto-Anarchy Ahead Ah, the penny—a coin so insignificant that finding one on the street feels more like littering than luck. Yet, here we are, embroiled in debates about its demise. The U.S. Mint spends 3.69 cents to produce a single penny, effectively making it the anti-profit coin. In a move that screams fiscal […]
The Elephant King and the Land of the Exploited: An Abiscoridian Tale of Generosity, Greed, and Late-Stage Capitalism
Once upon a time, in a world before stock markets, tax havens, and influencer-brand skincare, there lived an elephant so pure of heart and resplendent of form that even the gods considered him a show-off. His hide shimmered like moonlight on a tranquil lake, his feet glided over the earth like an overpriced Tesla, and […]
Scream Yoga vs. Kitten & Goat Yoga: When Stress Relief Gets Wild
Greetings cult readers, In the ever-evolving world of yoga, if you thought downward dog was the pinnacle of relaxation, think again. Welcome to the brave new world of scream yoga—a practice where, instead of purring with the adorable kittens or bleating alongside goats, you let out your inner banshee. For on this fun filled Friday, […]
The White House Hack That Revealed Everything
Or: How Elon Musk’s Two Left Feet Explain… Everything There are moments in history that are so absurd, so surreal, that they break the simulation just a little bit. They make you pause, rub your eyes, and wonder if reality is glitching—or if it has simply given up on maintaining any sense of coherence. This […]